We Don't Need the Fucking Water.

This is for you, centerpide. Don’t take it too hard.

I don’t go clubbing too often.

But when I do, really, I go out with Hani and we go out with a couple of her friends to a club or a show and what not.

She’s the one who taught me to club, see. I had never been to a club before with friends or alone until I met her, and she taught me several things about clubbing.

I’m going to talk about them now.

Dance motherfucker, dance.

They’re rules that apply to anyone—from newbie clubbers to old vets that have done this shit since god knows when and have seen shit come and go. They’re good rules of thumb. I like them.

Remember what you’re there for.

You might want to go clubbing for the music. You might want to go clubbing for the drinks. You might want to go clubbing for the chicks, or the dancing, or to pose around looking beautiful. Fine.

But know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it before you enter the club, and keep at it until you leave. While in the club, Doubt Is Not Your Friend.

Imagine—you’re dancing, and suddenly, you see your girlfriend laughing at you, or a bunch of people laughing at you, or something. There are two things you can do:

• Feel self-conscious, and thus angst about it.
• Ignore them.

The club is possibly the most forgiving environment you can be in. You don’t need to fit in; that’s something only the Outside World needs to think about, not you. Not while in there.

The rules apply when you dance and get laughed at, or when you flirt and get rejected, or when you pose and people throw paper umbrellas at you (and you probably deserve it as well, you bastard), or if you puke your guts out and get kicked out, or if you’re listening to the music and the music suddenly starts sucking, or whatever.

You’re there for a reason. The minute doubt starts, take a break; go outside. Relax for a minute. If it doesn’t go away, stop. Go somewhere else. Or go home.

You’ll be fine.

Pay Attention to the People Around You.

You really do need to. While ignoring people’s reaction to you is great, please try and remember, you’re not alone. Pay attention to something we call “personal space”.

Dancing is great, but don’t start hogging into people’s space. No one needs an asshole—least of all a drunk asshole who’s having fun at other people’s expense.

Go With Friends You Trust.

Friends are great. They support you, they bail you out of shit, they dance with you, you have fun with them. But who do you trust?

Clubbing is the acid test of a friendship. No matter how nice someone is, no matter how accommodating they are outside the club, they can be the worst piece of shit ever inside.

I swear—that nice girl outside who is nice until she’s in a club, and she disappears and you find out later that she spent hours dancing with complete strangers while you and your friends panicked, worrying if she’s the next Canny Ong or what, or that guy who’s great while sober but kept trying to sneak vodka into your drink, and you’re Designated Driver and the only thing that’s stopping them from taking a fucking cab home and/or a fiery death they probably deserve….

The worst thing is, really, that you’ve never clubbed with them before. Fine, so go clubbing with them once. If you enjoyed yourself, do it again. But if you don’t, then stop going clubbing with them. No, I don’t mean stop being friends with them. Remain friends! You can still be close to them!

It’s just that you’re not going to run around behind them and getting them out of trouble yet again, or you don’t really fancy getting fucking stood up while your friend goes and tackles that hot specimen of the desired sex.

Reward Trust

Mind you, if someone takes care of you while you’re smashed, and if they’re good at it, and patient… hold on to them. Be nice to them. Buy them drinks when they’re not being Designated Driver. Keep them, don’t let fate or ill fortune take them away.

Trust me on this.

Take Care Of Yourself

Practise a few precautions, and generally you’ll be okay. Going clubbing to dance? Remember to drink a lot of water along with that Red Bull+Vodka you’re having.

Going clubbing for the music? Okay, but don’t stand too near to the speakers if you value your hearing (then again you might not. What? Eh? Speak up!)

Going clubbing to flirt and score? Condoms and a small bottle of lube, and lay off the sauce. You’re going to need all the control you can get.

Going clubbing to drink? Learn the adage: “Beer before liquor, never sicker; Liquor before beer, in the clear.” Pace yourself. Don’t binge.

Going clubbing to not get raped? Go in a group of people you can trust. No, that cute guy you just met in Economics class is not someone you can trust. Your friends. Someone who has her head screwed in. Someone not stupid. I know, that last one is a bit of a tall order.

Have Fun, Go Somewhere Else Or Go Home¹

Really, it says it all. If you’re not having fun, go somewhere else. Tapped out all the locations? Go home.

There’s no shame in it. So you’ve decided to spend the rest of the night asleep, or eating a tub of ice-cream and watching the Three Stooges, or online, blogging. So what?

Sometimes clubs suck. Sometimes it’s the music. Sometimes it’s the crowd. Sometimes the police have raided the place for more coffee money to catch people using drugs and shit. It happens. Place sucked? Go somewhere else. Clubbed out? Go home.

Fütnotes

¹ Well, doesn’t really apply if you’re being a Good Friend. Tough it out, mate, and I feel for ya. Hope they appreciate what they’re doing, or else you might be going out with some new clubbing friends….