Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Never Invite Us To Watch Movies With You.

Or, at least, not the Two Towers. Be warned: It's horrendously long, and impressively offensive.

Me: man, Elijah has a rent-boy's mouth.
friend: and scary lopsided eyes
friend: but yes
Me: heh.
Me: the eyes add flavor :D
friend: lol
friend: scary rentboy for $5
friend: i feel like stalking him
Me: some people like the gothboy look. I'd say $20.
friend: now that's a major dork
Me: man, he has a smooth chest. not bad for a 55-year old.
friend: not bad for a male, period. :D
friend: him and orli are scary western hairless boys
Me: it's all the estrogen in the water.

On Legolas:

Me: true. and look, it's the manchick Legolas!
Me: manchick manchick.
friend: great i have visions of a mutant chickenman
Me: manchick for the chickenhawk.
Me: mmm.
friend: yikes. donald rumsfeld feasting on leggy. friend: ahahaha

And if you thought yaoi Legolas fan-fiction was bad…

Me: man, Treebeard is teh hawt.
Me: now that's what I call a tree.
friend: you are a disturbing man
Me: lookit trees!
friend: i know i've read a leggy/treebeard fic before...
Me: that is SO whack
friend: well welcome to fandom my chickiepoo
Me: tree sex. haha!

Teh gheyest elf in the whole trilogy, and what elves have in common with robots:

Me: oh look! the gayest elf in the whole fucking movie!
friend: he's gay irl too. :D
Me: elves can be real creepy
friend: they're like vampires
Me: look! we're, like, robots!
friend: but with more glitter
Me: very ghey robots, but hey!
Me: ghey robots with ribbons in their hair.
Me: and longbows.
Me: and shiny armor.
Me: and makeup.
Me: and hairnets
Me: who knows what els.e
friend: at least they don't drink blood
Me: no, they sing tra la la lally. and express a deeply-repressed desire to bugger halflings
Me: that's so much better
friend: them and boromir. :D

Battle commentary — it's a good thing we weren't there:

Me: har har har har.
Me: one dead elf.
Me: two dead elf
Me: three.
Me: four.
Me: heh
Me: you know, I'd like to have seen the battle of the four armies. you know, the one in the Hobbit.
Me: that had dwarf armies.
friend: i still haven't read that. :(
Me: it's fun.
Me: ha ha! groinshot!
Me: split the nads in twain!
friend: ........
Me: ...and now, back to the Dewan Rakyat-- er, the Entmoot.
friend: you'll make an interesting MSTer

And really, it's funny what kinds of offensive stuff you can say between friends:

Me: oh look. suicide bombers are orcs.
Me: yay for the Muslim Anti-Defamation League.
friend: ^^
Me: it's an honorable profession, I say. man and boy. or at least, gibs and giblette.

More Legolas, and more battlefield commentary:

Me: man running towards pike is always a fucking bad idea.
friend: BWAHAHA
Me: look! Legolas, President of the League of eXtreme Archery.
Me: look! Manchick President fighting orcs.
Me: the faggy elf's time is numbered...
Me: and he's dead.
friend: awwwwwwwwwwww
Me: very manly death.
friend: you weren't even supposed to be here!
friend: but at least you reclaimed your masculinity... ish
Me: except for the bit where he gets buggered by swords.
Me: that's so to character.

Hilarious Movie Names:

Me: oh no! Treebeard has finally learnt the effects of deforestation!
Me: When Trees Attack: The Stupid Things Wizards Do!
friend: activist treebeard!
friend: treebeard smash!
friend: :D
friend: vol.1
Me: Ents Gone Wild!
Me: Treebeard Does Isengard!
friend: BWAHAHA
Me: Gollum Bondage. OMG!
Me: Tie Gollum Up And Make Him Your Bitch!
Me: The first stages of Halfling Hearing Loss.
Me: Emo Frodo.
Me: Goth Emo Frodo.
friend: hehehaha re:halfling
friend: BWAH
Me: Goth Emo Frodo Meets Teh Nazgul!111one
friend: *snickers endlessly*
Me: look! Bondage Gollum again.
Me: can you imagine? Tie Me Gollum.
Me: Tie and hear him whimper!
friend: ...
friend: a hit at xmas!
Me: Rohan's chief exports: whimpering peasants, crazed and despairing kings.
Me: blow that horn like you mean it, bitch!
Me: blow it! blow it! oh yeah!
Me: Ooh boy.
friend: you are a truly disturbing individual

It's orc-and-horse action!!!!11one

Me: Uruk and Horse Action!
Me: uruk/horse (beast), horsedom, violent. lolol!
friend: there was a titanic joke i could make, but i lost the window
friend: bestiality eh?
Me: horse-on-orc action!
Me: whee!
friend: you gotta admit, there's something phallic about the spears
Me: horse-pikes
Me: longer and more bang for buck.
friend: ah sou?
friend: i keep thinking that's a fish
Me: pikes are fish and weapons
Me: actually, infantry pikes are longer.
Me: hmm.
friend: sardines?
friend: pilchards?
Me: not pilchards. but sardines, now that's an interesting idea.
Me: or vice-versa. 'tis late.
friend: hehehe

Japanese porn, anyone?

Me: and so it is, that Frodo pins Sam down, as he waves his weapon menacingly on Sam's face.
Me: bukakke anyone?
friend: WOOHOO!
Me: a flash of movement, and then SPURT!
friend: oh tmi
friend: tmiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: evil kan?
friend: indeed
Me: Saruman the Stained!Q
Me: hahahaha!

And, finally, when Frodo and Sam talk about what future generations will tell of them:

Me: bastards didn't know what hit them. why yes, there are stories about Frodo and Sam. amazing how much of them involve man-to-man action.

And that's that. I'd be impressed if you read even half of that.