Why Are You Here?: Never Invite Us To Watch Movies With You.

Or, at least, not the Two Towers. Be warned: It's horrendously long, and impressively offensive.

Me: man, Elijah has a rent-boy's mouth. friend: and scary lopsided eyes friend: but yes Me: heh. Me: the eyes add flavor :D friend: lol friend: scary rentboy for $5 friend: i feel like stalking him Me: some people like the gothboy look. I'd say $20. friend: now that's a major dork Me: man, he has a smooth chest. not bad for a 55-year old. friend: not bad for a male, period. :D friend: him and orli are scary western hairless boys Me: it's all the estrogen in the water.

On Legolas:

Me: true. and look, it's the manchick Legolas! Me: manchick manchick. friend: great i have visions of a mutant chickenman Me: manchick for the chickenhawk. Me: mmm. friend: yikes. donald rumsfeld feasting on leggy. friend: ahahaha

And if you thought yaoi Legolas fan-fiction was bad…

Me: man, Treebeard is teh hawt. Me: now that's what I call a tree. friend: you are a disturbing man Me: lookit trees! friend: i know i've read a leggy/treebeard fic before... Me: MAN Me: that is SO whack friend: well welcome to fandom my chickiepoo Me: tree sex. haha!

Teh gheyest elf in the whole trilogy, and what elves have in common with robots:

Me: oh look! the gayest elf in the whole fucking movie! friend: he's gay irl too. :D Me: elves can be real creepy friend: they're like vampires Me: look! we're, like, robots! friend: but with more glitter Me: very ghey robots, but hey! Me: ghey robots with ribbons in their hair. Me: and longbows. Me: and shiny armor. Me: and makeup. Me: and hairnets Me: who knows what els.e friend: at least they don't drink blood Me: no, they sing tra la la lally. and express a deeply-repressed desire to bugger halflings Me: that's so much better friend: them and boromir. :D

Battle commentary — it's a good thing we weren't there:

Me: har har har har. Me: one dead elf. Me: two dead elf Me: three. Me: four. Me: heh Me: you know, I'd like to have seen the battle of the four armies. you know, the one in the Hobbit. Me: that had dwarf armies. friend: i still haven't read that. :( Me: it's fun. Me: ha ha! groinshot! Me: split the nads in twain! friend: ........ Me: ...and now, back to the Dewan Rakyat-- er, the Entmoot. friend: you'll make an interesting MSTer

And really, it's funny what kinds of offensive stuff you can say between friends:

Me: oh look. suicide bombers are orcs. Me: yay for the Muslim Anti-Defamation League. friend: ^^ Me: it's an honorable profession, I say. man and boy. or at least, gibs and giblette.

More Legolas, and more battlefield commentary:

Me: man running towards pike is always a fucking bad idea. friend: BWAHAHA Me: look! Legolas, President of the League of eXtreme Archery. Me: look! Manchick President fighting orcs. Me: the faggy elf's time is numbered... Me: and he's dead. friend: awwwwwwwwwwww Me: very manly death. friend: you weren't even supposed to be here! friend: but at least you reclaimed your masculinity... ish Me: except for the bit where he gets buggered by swords. Me: that's so to character.

Hilarious Movie Names:

Me: oh no! Treebeard has finally learnt the effects of deforestation! Me: When Trees Attack: The Stupid Things Wizards Do! friend: activist treebeard! friend: treebeard smash! friend: :D friend: vol.1 Me: Ents Gone Wild! Me: Treebeard Does Isengard! friend: BWAHAHA Me: Gollum Bondage. OMG! Me: Tie Gollum Up And Make Him Your Bitch! Me: The first stages of Halfling Hearing Loss. Me: Emo Frodo. Me: Goth Emo Frodo. friend: hehehaha re:halfling friend: BWAH Me: Goth Emo Frodo Meets Teh Nazgul!111one friend: *snickers endlessly* Me: look! Bondage Gollum again. Me: can you imagine? Tie Me Gollum. Me: Tie and hear him whimper! friend: ... friend: a hit at xmas! Me: Rohan's chief exports: whimpering peasants, crazed and despairing kings. friend: VWAHAHAHA Me: blow that horn like you mean it, bitch! Me: blow it! blow it! oh yeah! Me: Ooh boy. friend: you are a truly disturbing individual

It's orc-and-horse action!!!!11one

Me: Uruk and Horse Action! Me: uruk/horse (beast), horsedom, violent. lolol! friend: there was a titanic joke i could make, but i lost the window friend: bestiality eh? Me: horse-on-orc action! Me: whee! Me: in SLOW MOTION! friend: you gotta admit, there's something phallic about the spears Me: PIKES. Me: horse-pikes Me: longer and more bang for buck. friend: ah sou? friend: i keep thinking that's a fish Me: pikes are fish and weapons Me: actually, infantry pikes are longer. Me: hmm. friend: sardines? friend: pilchards? Me: not pilchards. but sardines, now that's an interesting idea. Me: or vice-versa. 'tis late. friend: hehehe

Japanese porn, anyone?

Me: and so it is, that Frodo pins Sam down, as he waves his weapon menacingly on Sam's face. Me: bukakke anyone? friend: WOOHOO! Me: a flash of movement, and then SPURT! friend: oh tmi friend: tmiiiiiiiiiiiii Me: evil kan? friend: indeed Me: Saruman the Stained!Q Me: hahahaha!